In the mental health space, we are undergoing a shift in understanding about pain and suffering—what a time to be alive! For most of modern humanity, we have been obsessed with eliminating pain. Just go look in your medicine cabinet and tell me I’m not right. Now, we are making a shift, from eliminating pain to living with pain.
One of the ways to deal with pain is through the principles of ACT.
The NIH says that the overarching focus of ACT is to assist pain sufferers in engaging in a flexible and persistent pattern of values-directed behavior while in contact with continuing pain and discomfort, particularly when efforts to control or reduce pain or discomfort have failed in the past or contributed to greater difficulties over the longer term.
Ahem…or in plain language…doing the things that matter to you even when things super suck without waiting for the suckage to go away before you do them.
It’s a shift in expectations—from the elimination of pain to living as well as possible with pain present.
Another way to say it is that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
First off, let’s get real. Pain is like that relative who always shows up and sticks around way past their welcome. And it can be any kind of pain– a stubbed toe, a meeting that should have been an email, or losing a loved one. It’s a part of life. Inevitable, you might say.
Now, here’s where things get interesting. While pain is a given, suffering is like an all-you-can-eat buffet—we can choose what (or how much) to take. Think of suffering as that extra helping of mashed potatoes you didn’t really need but went for anyway because it looked delicious. You see, suffering often comes from how we respond to pain. And the key here is you. You control your suffering.
This is where perspective comes into play. Imagine your pain as a bad haircut—it’s uncomfortable, slightly embarrassing, likely temporary, but certainly un-fixable right in this moment. One option would be to hide out in your house until the hair grows out. Maybe that works, but that could take weeks. Are you willing to miss your best friend’s birthday, and your granddaughter’s first steps, three weeks of work (well, maybe), and your front row concert tickets? Or are you willing to put on a hat or grab some hair gel and get out there and get what you can from life, bad hair or not?
In the world of suffering being optional, which is sometimes hard to swallow, it’s easier to think of suffering as a resistance to pain and an attachment to outcomes. When it comes to the pain of a chronic, potentially terminal illness like cancer, it’s been easy to deal with the resistance to pain compared to the attachment to outcomes. Ten out of ten times, I can mindfully allow pain to exist and continue to do the things I need to do. Seriously, not a problem. But attachment to outcomes? The attachment to wanting to live a long healthy life with the person you love? That sits as heavy as anything possibly could.
In those moments, I breathe really, really deeply and remember that all I can control is my actions in the present. I remember that I have no control of the future and all the misery I might want to wear like straight jacket is based in future fear that is working diligently to rob me of present peace. And I breathe again…and do something that brings me joy, in the present, with purpose, because that’s the only thing I have for sure.
