There are all kinds of roles to play as the partner of a person who is navigating a cancer or chronic illness diagnosis. You can be a supporter, you can be a confidant, you can be an encourager. And, sometimes, you can be a coach. A coach is a person whose job is to get the best performance out of you. Their job is to inspire you to reach your goals. It’s their job to push you in a way that makes you better, because you agreed—together—that you wanted to reach a certain spot.
Being coached is hard. It’s a submission to hearing when you aren’t doing things optimally. It’s being pushed when you are feeling pretty weak. It’s willingness to be held accountable and keep trying to reach a pre-determined outcome.
Warning: If you and your partner have not agreed to their goals and their outcomes as chosen by them, your coaching will become abusive, and your relationship will suffer. Proceed with coaching with the utmost caution and intention.
For the purposes of clarity, let’s call the patient an athlete and let’s call the partner the coach. And let’s be real, the patient is doing all the hard, gold medal worthy work, so athlete seems like the right moniker.
If you are coaching your athlete with intention, there are three easy ways to do that to protect their autonomy and your partnership.
Press Pause. Ask your athlete for permission to ‘press pause’ when you see them doing something that is consistent with their goals and outcomes. It’s a way to slow down and draw attention to behaviors that are benefitting them, so they get immediate reinforcement and encouragement from doing the things that are aligned with their goals. Immediate encouragement is vital. That’s what drives human behavior. If the athlete needs to, say, drink 90 grams of protein a day, there isn’t anything that happens rightthisminute that encourages them to do that. In fact, if they are weak and in pain, drinking a protein drink might be pretty miserable. It’s the coach’s job to press pause and provide immediate recognition that the athlete is on the right track.
If you press pause in the right way (which means with encouragement) you open up the opportunity, to press pause when the athlete is doing things that aren’t consistent with their goals. If your athlete learns that you will point out their successes, they will trust you to ‘press pause’ when they are doing things that don’t get them where they want to go.
We are a Team. Before you start a marathon, you need to agree where the finish line is and what you are going to do along the way to get there. You need to form an alliance. There has to be a conversation about the athlete’s goals, values, and outcomes—but more than that, the coach must align with those goals and clearly indicate that they are onboard. The coach and the athlete need to have a clear understanding of their mutual goals as defined by the athlete. When the going gets tough, and it will, and the athlete gets mad and puts their head in the water and kicks off the wall—and they will, it helps to remember that the coach and the athlete are a team and have the same goals.
Set and agenda and try new things. Let me remind you: the athlete is doing hard work. It’s their body that’s getting wrecked. It’s their psyche that’s getting rocked. They must have autonomy and encouragement. Set them up for success by asking for an agenda, usually each day. Ask the athlete what they want to accomplish. This allows them to re-align to their values and goals if they have gotten off track. At the same time that you set the agenda, ask for permission to try new things that might help accomplish the mutual goals. Setting the stage for trying new things helps the athlete to feel confident that the coach is going to keep showing up with fresh resources and energy to keep them on track to reach their goals.
Hey Coaches! Your work is hard, too! Some tips for how to be your best while you are coaching!
