Life just got hard. It’s dark and difficult. Maybe it even seems impossible. You’ve got a chronic health problem or sick parent or a child that’s in trouble. Whatever it is, It’s just hard…really, really hard.
Well, you just need to act in your values, of course. You know, values right? Things that make you feel good and act good and be good.
Yeah, sure that sounds probably fine at another time but what do you do when life sucks? Like it suckage to the right of me and suckage to the left of me and suckage in front of me, sucky and suckier.
Values is a loaded word. Most people have a knee-jerk reaction that is something like being sent to the principles office when they hear the word values. It feels like punishment or judgement, or both.
Let’s clear that up.
Simply, values are words that describe who we want to be, how we want to act, and how we want others to describe us. They are the guideposts for our behavior because if you know who you want to be it makes it so much easier to act that way. That’s why it’s so important to have values when things are the hardest because those are the times when you are so much less likely to be your best self and might need a little encouragement.
Think of values as the encouragement to be your best self.
When you have identified the person that you want to be and how you want to act to be that person, it allows your values to point you in the direction that you need to go with your actions and inspire you to continue with those actions when things get difficult or uncomfortable.
It’s especially important to have values when things aren’t going the way you expected.
Story time: Tim and I were on a trip. It was actually a pretty big deal trip, a values trip, you might say. Right after his cancer diagnosis, we decided that we needed to continue to live our life to the fullest and with joy, so we planned a trip to Canada to lean hard into fullness and joy before treatment started.
On that trip we visited a mountain with a ski lift that took a scenic view to the very top. The day was glorious, let me tell you. Sunny, blue skies, slight breeze. Everything was just about perfect, and ahead we could see the top of this amazing mountain with its promise of epic views.
And off we climbed, laughing and joking, in awe of everything around us. We were about ¾ of the way up on the perfect ride on the perfect day to the perfect peak, when there was a jarring jerk, like an unseen hand had grabbed the back of the chair and stopped its path.
So, we sat, looked around and tried to analyze the change in plans. After all, we were headed to the top of the mountain. For the gorgeous views, remember. We were promised the mountain top.
Instead, we were legs dangling, going nowhere, kinda needing a bathroom, kinda getting hangry, and not sure what was happening next. And then, and I promise, this is not a literary device, it started to rain. The beautiful blue sky clouded over and blotted out with thick grey clouds and it rained.
So, now we are wet and hangry and definitely need a bathroom. Also, we are no closer to the amazing mountaintop views. Worse, we don’t even know what the plan is.
And so, in the face of no plan and no guarantees and very wet jeans and hungry bellies, what did we do? We turned on some music and laughed and joked and made this really great memory that was full and joyful.
That’s values—we had determined that the kind of trip we wanted to have—the kind of people we wanted to be—and that was to be full of life and full of joy. Our values hadn’t changed (hopefully) just because our situation changed. Just because we were dangling above the surface of the earth with barely any idea of what happens next didn’t mean that we wanted to become surly, gripey, meanies. That’s not the trip we wanted to have or the people we wanted to be.
Why does it matter really? Other than that its not generally enjoyable to be a really miserable human, it actually matters because our present actions are the only thing we have any control over at all. On the ski lift, we didn’t have control over the movement of the lift, the weather, the lack of food or basically anything else, except what we did in that moment.
In choosing to be the people we wanted to be, three big things happened: 1) we didn’t suffer or struggle with the situation (in, fact we had fun), 2) we were able to keep doing things that were important to us while feelings good about ourselves, and 3) we controlled what we could control, which is naturally satisfying and allows enjoyment in an otherwise unpleasant moment.
In this moment, like so many moments, values were the cheerleader that kept us moving in the right direction. Values increase motivation and inspiration to do the things you want to do, as well as direction for which things to do in the first place. And that matters, even, and especially, when things are hardest. P.S. We did eventually reach the top of the mountain. The views were great, but we didn’t miss anything in the detour.
