Don’t waste a minute not being happy….You do not find a happy life you make a happy life….Look on the bright side
The call to be happy is a cruel and relentless one. Everybody says you need to do it, but if you can’t find happiness, you are not only sad, you can also add guilt and failure and resentment to your pile of misery. The whole idea about happiness, as these and soooooo many other quotes suggest, is that is simple to find. And also, if you don’t, then shame on you.
It’s the stuff of toxic positivity, which involves denying or minimizing negative emotions in favor of a big, fat, fake face full of smiles. Toxic positivity leads to people feeling misunderstood or ashamed and can make it difficult to cope with stress, which kind of makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I mean, if you are already feeling sad, what’s better than adding some shame and guilt to that for an entire case of never feeling good about yourself?
In a world that often encourages relentless positivity, it’s easy to confuse genuine emotional acceptance with the idea of toxic positivity. But there’s an antidote to toxic positivity and the long tail of shame that comes with it. The red-caped hero in our story is Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) which is a group of psychology skills that emphasize genuine emotional experiences rather than superficial cheerfulness.
What does that look like exactly?
- Embracing All Emotions: Unlike toxic positivity, where you ignore of “negative emotions”, ACT encourages individuals to experience a full range of emotions. In fact, ACT would say that there are no negative or positive emotions, just emotions that give us information. In ACT, typical unpleasant emotions such as sadness, anger, and fear are recognized as a necessary part of the human experience. Rather than squash these emotions with a quote superimposed over a sunset, ACT promotes acceptance, which allows people to feel whatever they feel without judging the feeling as good or bad.
- Mindfulness Over Minimization: The heavy hitter in ACT is mindfulness techniques which helps people stay present with their emotions, so they don’t have to opt out of feelings or living purposefully. In contrast to toxic positivity, which often pushes people to quickly shift their focus to positive thoughts, ACT fosters an environment where one can explore and understand their emotional landscape.
- Values-Driven Action: A key aspect of ACT is the focus on identifying and living in alignment with one’s values, no matter what feeling comes with it. Rather than ignoring the hard, hurtful things that come up as a part of being a human, ACT encourages individuals to commit to actions that reflect their core values, even, and especially when its painful.
- Realistic Acceptance: ACT promotes a realistic approach to life’s difficulties. Acceptance in ACT doesn’t mean resignation; rather, it involves recognizing the reality of a situation without being overwhelmed by it. It’s the practice of knowing what you can and can’t change and not dwelling in the places where you actions have no power. This acceptance creates space and energy for resilience and proactive coping strategies. If you accept that not all things can be changed and not all pain can be avoided, you can channel your energy into the things that promote meaning in your own life.
- Empowerment Through Vulnerability: ACT recognizes that vulnerability is a strength. By accepting and expressing feelings of inadequacy, fear, or sadness, you foster deeper connections with others and with yourself. Often people avoid vulnerability because it’s a slippery slope. It feels like you might not recover if you let people see that you feel sad or inadequate or desperate. Acceptance,
Mindfulness, and Values allow you to ‘sit with’ these emotions in a safe and productive way. Because you have accepted that bad feelings sometimes happen but you can deal with them thanks to your values, you can be vulnerable without it sweeping you away emotionally. This empowerment through vulnerability allows for more authentic relationships and community support, rather than the superficial cheerleading characteristic of toxic positivity.
