Coping with cancer or other chronic health concerns is challenging. I know that’s brand-new information for everyone. Here’s where it gets even more surprising: it’s just as difficult for the people who support the person who is sick.
It’s not just the patient and their well-being that matters; it’s also their partner and how they interact with each other that determines the ultimate outcomes and well-being of both people.
So how do you deal? How do you deal with one person in your couple being sick? And more importantly, how do you thrive as a couple so your relationship stays healthy while you heal your body?
Turns out, like always, the research tells us exactly what to do. And, magically, there are three main things that couples can do to keep their relationship strong.
- Lean into the concept of we-ness. A house divided against itself cannot stand, and a chronically ill couple who is not aligned in their approach cannot thrive.
Tim and I have always called our partnership a system, meaning our relationship is one entity and we are each moving parts in that system. That’s exactly the kind of approach that is necessary to thrive in illness, even down to how you approach the illness itself. Early on, I started using the royal, collective WE for everything that was happening—we have a PET scan, we are back in the hospital, we just got out of surgery. I wondered if that was actually fair language because I, Jessica, am not having surgery, nothing is being removed from my body and I am not experiencing the physical pain. I don’t technically have cancer, so should I really be claiming it with the big use of the word WE?
Turns out, yes I should according to research. In fact, the concept that is best is we-disease, so I’ll just cite my sources and skip into the sunset feeling validated. Whee!!
For couples coping with illness, it is vital to approach the illness with a united agreement and sense of system. Interestingly, it doesn’t really matter if you choose to approach the illness pragmatically, or with humor, or by leaning into your spirtuality, or by acceptance or by keeping things as normal as possible. What matters is that you approach it the same way and you are united .
2. Keep the relationship strong and smart by watching out for health-related booby traps that sneak up on couples . Certain things are inherent in relationships that are faced with health struggles. Knowing what they are is half the battle.
- Decreased physical intimacy. This isn’t even about sex, so the kids can stay in the room. There is a barrier for physical contact that happens with illness. Some of this can even be as simple as sleeping in separate beds because one of those beds is a hospital bed, but sleeping separately can even continue at home to accommodate for physical discomfort. Even if you are sleeping together, your ability to connect physically, even through hand holding or backrubs or kisses may be diminished due to how the sick partner feels. Before you say that physical touch is no big deal, remember that science says it is, in fact, a very big deal. Physical contact is essential to physical healing and relational strength. All the hormones that you need to feel close and connected to someone happen through physical touch.
- Decreased emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy also takes a big hit in a health crisis. Most often, partners will fall into the trap of not sharing their feelings or validating the other person’s feelings, which takes intimacy out at the knees. The number one most important way to create emotional closeness is by sharing your feelings and having those feelings heard and validated. I don’t know about you, but if I am in pain or stressed, either mentally or physically, I’m not a very good talker or listener. Removing this essential partner exchange from the relationship, even by accident, decreases emotional intimacy.
- Decreased balance in the equity of the relationship. When one partner is sick there is a big risk of perceived or actual inequity in the relationship. One partner is physically (and mentally and emotionally) capable of doing less and, most often, that means the other partner will pick up the slack…and sometimes the bitterness and resentment. Meanwhile, the partner who is doing less is at risk to feel shame, guilt, and loss. It’s a whole cocktail of bad feelings for everyone. Awareness that a lack of balance is pretty common can help stay ahead of the traps that come along with it.
3. Keep yourself strong. It turns out that, once again, it takes a village. Couples who are really successful at keeping their partnership strong, do so by having support outside of one another.
They have friendships, families, and hobbies that they can lean on outside of their partner….and, most importantly, they actually lean on those resources. For me, the anxious part of my brain felt like I needed to stay with Tim all the time to be a good partner to him, but, as usual, the anxious part of my brain is a liar. Instead, I needed to go out with friends, even if it was just to sit on the porch or walk around the block or take a nap. Doing those things benefits both of us, strengthening our partnership and our healing process. Again, don’t shoot the messenger—the science says so.
If you are like me and you want to cite your sources, you can read more about the science of this article at The Worse We Feel the More Intensely We Need to Stick Together
