Did you ever have a teacher make you play the smile game or is that just a childhood trauma you get from going to drama camp? If you haven’t had the awkward pleasure of playing this game, let me explain. You stand in a circle with a bunch of people you don’t really know and the person who is it picks someone and smiles in their general direction. You keep on smiling, as big and as cheesy as you possibly can until your smile is so contagious that it inspires the next person to break into a smile. Basically, you are transferring your joy (fake or otherwise) to another person.
That’s co-regulation, except instead of fake smiles, you are transferring emotional regulation to another person. This usually happens when one person is not calm and they need to borrow the energy of another person who hopefully has a little extra calm to go around. The biggest benefit of co-regulation is that you are doing it through connection, so not only are you plugging into another person’s strength, it also reminds us that we are not alone. Just remembering you are not alone can do so much to increase the internal feelings of safety.
When one person is chronically ill or in pain, their emotional energy can often be below empty. There are three simple things to remember to help bring your partner back to calm.
Calm yourself. Co-regulation is bringing your calm to someone else’s chaos. The pre-requisite to bringing calm is, that’s right, actually being calm. As a caretaker of someone with cancer or chronic pain, the best way you can help your loved one is to make sure you are as regulated as possible.
Create a connected silence. When your partner is panicked or in pain, the tendency is to want to ‘talk them through it’. Sometimes the most natural response is not the best response to co-regulate through pain, however. People in pain don’t like to hear a lot of extra noise or even extra encouragement. It’s very talk less, smile more, or maybe just breathe.
To create a connected silence, first put away your distractions—yes, that means your phone. Show the person you are trying to regulate with that you are present and available IF AND WHEN they want to connect. Next, regulate yourself. Practice deep breathing and work towards being as calm and still as possible. Often, someone who is not ready to connect by talking, will begin to match your breathing pace and start the co-regulation process. Lastly, find a way to connect physically that is present but not suffocating. Sit with your knees touching and say nothing. Or hold hands lightly and say nothing. Or sit back-to-back and say nothing. Just be present (and maybe say nothing).
Don’t mistake co-regulation with connection. If your partner is panicking or in pain, this is not the moment for a heartwarming relational experience. People who are drowning don’t share their deep feelings and most intimate connections. They just try not to drown. Unfortunately, the watching partner might start to get in their own feelings and want to connect or bond with their hurting partner to make themselves feel better.
Spoiler alert: that’s how you both drown.
If your partner is panicking, your best role is to help them to find calm. Only in a place of calm can both partners connect effectively. Adjust your own expectations to only expect to help your partner regulate in this moment and plan for reconnection when you are both on dry, solid ground emotionally.
